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The connection between deconstruction, grief, and your true-self.
"Now is the winter of our discontent."
William Shakespeare,
Richard III
Deconstruction seems to be the buzzword (or the dirty word, depending on who you talk to) that's taking the Western Evangelical church by storm. And, you know what? It can be a crappy feeling to have your flaws pointed out. But like a wise monkey once said "you can either run from it, or learn from it." (The Lion King) Judging by the rising dichotomies, church splits, and mass exodus... I'd suggest there's a lot of both going on, with some churches staunchly opposed to acknowledging wrongdoing (run from it), and others embracing mistakes to learn from them (learn from it).
Let's step back a little bit, and I'll share a bit about my own deconstruction.
I really began attending church in my late twenties, and unfortunately for me, the church I was "saved" in (because the Evangelical Church loves a good testimony) was part of the Fellowship of Evangelical Baptists (FEB) denomination. Basically, the Southern Baptists of Canada. This is a generalization based on my experience in one Fellowship church, but through this experience, and discussions this is what I've learned. FEB is highly complementarian, there's freedom in Jesus, but follow all these guidelines... that kind of stuff. So what did I do? I conformed, because that's what I thought "being a Christian" was all about. I changed my language, my beliefs, and my opinions. I volunteered my time, had my kids involved in almost every program, and took part in all kinds of Bible studies. I bought into the whole "male headship" in the church, and in our home. It turned out being disastrous in our home. I was a youth leader for a number of years, and (ick!) taught about "biblical submission."
Then came the winter of my discontent.
I started noticing things. Like lack of communication, skeletons in the closet, and the place of women in the church. I brought up the role of women to someone I trusted on staff, and it was dismissed as "ridiculous." Now, I want to stop here because I want to make it abundantly clear, while it hurt then, I harbour no resentment now. I don't "blame" anyone. I'm not trying to point fingers. There are people there that I still love, and respect. This is how they meet God, and I'm not in any place to judge them. I have my own stack of problems, learning, and growth to worry about. Plus, lots of good has come out of that church... but lots of harm has too.
When the pandemic hit, I decided to go back to school to become a spiritual director. I was warned by two separate people that Tyndale was a "liberal" school. That's okay, I'm glad I didn't listen. My deconstruction had already started, now it was time for my differentiation. Murray Bowen was the first to coin this term as defining your "own life's goals and values apart from the pressures of those around" you. He was speaking about modern family systems theory, of which he's the founder, but can this also be applied to the Church? After all, don't we often use the term "my church family?"
I believe, along with Peter Scazzero, that differentiation is directly related to the true-self. The true-self can be defined as your spiritual identity in God, or how God created you. Much thanks to Thomas Merton, and David Benner for helping me discover this unknown dynamic relationship between God and I.
Differentiation is a good thing! However, as pointed out in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero, "in families there is a powerful opposition when one member of that system matures and increases his or her level of differentiation." It goes a bit like this, once again defined by Murray Bowen,
Step 1: You're wrong, and here's why.
Step 2: Change back to who you were, and we'll accept you again.
Step 3: If you don't change back, here's the consequences.
In the church, it may look something like this:
Step 1: That's a "slippery slope." They're not "real" Christians.
Step 2: Let's have coffee together. Here's a bunch of Bible verses to prove you're wrong. Now change back, and get in line.
Step 3: We're going to bring discipline against you. Or simply, "you're going to hell."
I spoke about spiritual abuse in another post here, but I didn't include Oakley and Humphreys' extensive definition (because I hadn't read the book yet), and it's a good one:
Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterized by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context. Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it.
This abuse may include:
manipulation and exploitation,
enforced accountability,
censorship of decision making,
requirements for secrecy and silence,
coercion to conform,
control through the use of sacred texts or teaching,
requirement of obedience to the abuser,
the suggestion that the abuser has a ‘divine’ position,
isolation as a means of punishment, and
superiority and elitism.
A difference in theology, is not spiritual abuse. You have the choice to stay or leave. If you decide to stay, I highly recommend Pivot by Scot McKnight & Laura Barringer, which I'll link below. Judging by the state of the Church, many have opted to leave. I say (and I'm going to offend some people here) - Good for them! It's better to be with God, outside of an abusive community, than in a position of harm. I hope that they can find a community where they are able to differentiate, and become their true-self without fear, to make a difference in God's Kingdom - not the Western White Kingdom.
When you raise a concern, and get silenced. That's spiritual abuse.
When you're told the Pastor has the final say because "touch not the Lord's anointed." That's spiritual abuse.
When someone uses a Bible verse to manipulate your actions. That's spiritual abuse.
(and frankly says more about their struggles than your own)
When you must sign an NDA (non-disclosure agreement). That's spiritual abuse.
When you are coerced to conform. That's spiritual abuse.
When your intellect, and character are called into question because of concerns you raised. That's spiritual abuse.
When you feel oppressed, or marginalized. That's spiritual abuse.
When you bring up a concern, and are gaslighted. That's spiritual abuse.
When you're told you can't trust your feelings, or your body. That's spiritual abuse.
When a grown-ass man wants mother's to cover their children because it causes him to lust. Not only is that incredibly gross, but YEAH it's spiritual abuse!
And you know what? I'm tired of it!
I'm tired of the messages that say "cover up, you're causing me to sin."
No. That's on you, and that's gross, but thanks for outing yourself.
I'm tired of hearing stories where Scripture is used to justify harm.
The only ones that Jesus argued with, were the religious leaders. Then they killed him.
I'm tired of "not every church" messages. --> "Not every church hurts people."
You're right, but some do. So let's take this seriously!
I'm tired of "every church" messages. --> "Every church has it's problems."
You're right, but how are they handling concerns when they're brought up.
I'm tired of the hypocrisy.
For every finger you point at someone else, there's three pointing back at you.
I'm tired of the hidden rules, added guidelines, and extra "securities."
I thought there was one commandment - Love God, love your neighbour.
I'm tired of being shamed for having a body.
A body that God calls very good, and one that He created!
I'm tired of improper teachings on the process of healing and forgiveness.
Yes, forgiveness is a good thing. But expecting it, without processing the hurt that was caused, or the offender not changing their behaviour, is enabling, dangerous, and downright harmful!
Oakley & Humphreys share the different stages of silencing. The first one is being silenced directly while in the church, then there's the double/second silencing where members of the church may be discouraged to reach out after you've left. But I would like to add one more, I call it the final silencing, and it's a bit like this. Since you're not part of that church anymore, you just... fall off the radar. I believe this is can be found under the "superiority and elitism" part of the above definition, i.e. "you don't go here anymore, so you're not part of the church." You lose your community, your friends... your "family," and your identity.
If you're lucky, you'll already be on your way to finding your true-identity, through deconstruction and differentiation. But my goodness, it can be so, so heartbreaking. It's honestly a period of deep grief, confusion, and frustration. Even if you've found another "church family," it's a long time to spend in one place, and have very little to show for it. Allow yourself to feel this grief. Sit in it. Journal about it. Find out where you feel it in your body. Cry. Yell. Share. Seek help, whether with spiritual direction, or in therapy. It sucks because you'll have to begin again, and healing hurts.
Did any of this hit home for you?
Would you like to learn more about your true-self?
Wondering if there's faith after you've left you community?
Do you just want to feel validated, and like you're not alone?
I'm working on a 6-series seminar, and here's the exciting part - I'm planning to offer it for FREE the first couple times I run it!! All I'm asking for is your feedback.
Join my mailing to get updates on this project!
Books mentioned in today's post:
Pivot by Scot McKnight & Laura Barringer
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse by Lisa Oakley & Justin Humphreys
You may also find my suggested reading list (found here) helpful.
As always, the links for books above are part of the Amazon Affiliate program. If you decide to purchase them through the link I will make a small commission. However, I will not recommend something I don't approve of.
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