What is Spiritual Abuse?

How do I help someone who has been hurt by the Church?

A husband is made to feel less than because his wife has a “strong” personality.

A woman is called by God, but is silenced in her church.

A teenager is forced to stand up and apologize to their friends for their “transgression.”

A pastor demands unquestioning allegiance from his leadership team.

A church covers up or downplays serious concerns that are brought forward.

A member of the LGBTQIA+ community feels unsafe around Christians.

These are just a small sampling of instances where spiritual abuse occurs, and there are so. many. more.

Lately there’s been several podcasts, docuseries and news events that have brought attention to the Church. And it’s not good attention. Maybe you’ve even watched or listened to a few. I do caution that some events discussed can be very triggering. Proceed carefully and seek help if you need to.

The problem with spiritual abuse is that it can be very hard to define because it's so subjective. A conversation with one person may go well, but saying the same thing with someone else upsets them. What I’ve noticed in talking with people is the overarching experience of shame.

Chuck DeGroat briefly touches on spiritual abuse in his book When Narcissism Comes to Church saying, “spiritual abuse bears a particularly sinister twist, as principles and maxims of faith are wielded as weapons of command and control.” Part of the concern, DeGroat says, is that “we tend to implicitly trust church or pastoral authority, [so] we often do not question experiences that may in fact be shaming or anxiety producing, or even violating.”

In an article in Christianity Today, Scot McKnight shares another definition saying "spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse... characterized by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context... [that] can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it." See the article here, which will open in a new tab.

So, what do we do?

If you are experiencing or have experienced spiritual abuse, seek help! A spiritual director, a therapist or someone in a helping ministry that calls it what it is. If possible, remove yourself from the situation. Go to another church, find a different group of friends or simple allow yourself some time to rest and recover. If you have questions, ask them. Boldly. If you see something wrong, bring it up. If nothing's done, move on. Do you really want to be in a place where those around you don't see you as God does?

When you encounter someone who shares stories of spiritual abuse here are some suggestions that may help, in no particular order.

When someone shares a story, listen. It really is that simple.

Sometimes, we’re so quick to defend the Church that we don’t take the time to acknowledge the pain of someone else. How sad is that? Ask questions. Be interested! Help them offload by carrying some of their burden, even if it's only for a few minutes.

Stop quoting Scripture.

The last thing someone who has been hurt by the Church wants is to hear are the very words that were used to harm them! Just stop it!! Do you know how insensitive you sound?!

Call it what it is.

If you wouldn’t tolerate it in public or your own home, why do you tolerate it in Church? When someone is oppressed, that’s abuse! I don’t care what the offending persons intentions were, if someone was hurt or shamed, it’s abuse.

Show some empathy.

It may not be your experience, but it was theirs. Be compassionate. Simply saying “I’m sorry that happened to you,” or “that’s not right,” can go a long way in helping someone feel better.

Don’t respond by defending the Church or the person in question.

If you feel the urge to say something like, “but look at all the good that’s being done,” just don’t. Likewise, for “we just want to love Jesus.” You may not know the reason behind the person’s feelings, but if someone leaves a Church and they’re hurt, it doesn’t matter how much you “love Jesus,” you didn’t love like Jesus.

Be a safe space.

Keep it between the two of you. If you’re in a position where you can take it to leadership, offer to accompany the person and support them, as they share what happened. If other concerns are raised by someone else, don’t share names or specific details, just that you know it's happening and offer support.

Honour them.

They’re working through hurt. They may make back-handed, passive aggressive comments. If you feel the need to speak into it, do so in love only. I once had another woman say to me “I see how hurt you are and how if you could let that go, you will experience such growth.” She didn’t say it for the church or personal gain, she saw my potential and acknowledged me in a loving way. She also didn’t expect the change to happen right away because it can’t. Healing is a process.

If someone you know leaves the church, check in.

This one can be tricky and I would recommend caution. Comments like "I haven't seen you at church lately," aren't super helpful. And offering to go for coffee "to talk" is a surefire way of not getting a response at all. Especially if you're working in the church. A simple "how are things going?" is great, but don't badger. If they need you, they'll reach out. But be prepared when they do, you may not like what they have to say.

Spiritual abuse is real. If you've experienced spiritual abuse, I want you to know that you aren't crazy. What happened wasn't right and you do deserved better.

Some helpful resources:

A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight & Laura Barringer

When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat

Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse by Dr. Lisa Oakley & Justin Humphreys