The Diabolic "Should"

How the word "should" ruins your ability to discern.

When I started school in 2020, one of the first courses I took was an introduction to spiritual formation. Shocking, I know but that's not the revelation I'm going for here. Allow me to explain why I brought this up.

At the time, I really struggled with a "should" mentality. Maybe you've found yourself there before too, but if not here are a couple of examples:

• I should call __________.

• I should go visit __________.

• I should __________.

Sometimes I still slip back into this way of thinking, but I've honestly found that getting to know my true-self really helped me move away from trying to please everyone else. Understanding boundaries, and having a great therapist helped a lot too.

Don't get me wrong, there are some very valid "should's" out there, but may I offer a different perspective?

Take a step back, and consider your motivation. If you think you should go grocery shopping, chances are you have to go grocery shopping. You're likely out of food, or getting close to being out of food. There's really no "should" about it. You either do it, or you don't eat. Or, if you're like my teenagers, you'll start eating the pickles, or the forgotten food at the bottom of the freezer.

However, if you think you should go visit with/call someone because you haven't connected with them in a while, and you're actually dreading it a little bit, that's a different story. Whenever I brought up a "should" in class, my Professor would counter with, "Who says you should?" One day I (maybe?) made the mistake of saying... "but I'll feel guilty..." Well, let me tell you, the lesson I learned that day was one that will stick with me for a long time, and one I'm about to share.

Guilt in the Bible is simple - you did something wrong.

Here's an example - David slept with Uriah's wife. David was guilty of adultery.

It's a state of being. It's not a feeling. When feelings get mixed into it, that's called "false guilt." Instead of saying "I did something bad," you say "I am bad." This can come from many different places but some popular ones are,

• Culture

• Upbringing

• Manipulation, and

• Personality.

If you've read any books by Brené Brown, you'll notice that the false-guilt my professor described is how she defines another strong emotion - shame. (Dare to Lead and Rising Strong are two great books that work through guilt and shame). If shame or false-guilt are driving your "should" that's cause for reconsideration. Not only are you being manipulated, it's messing with your ability to discern because you're doing what everyone else wants you to do, or what you think others expect of you.

Here's a simple exercise, that may shed some light on your "should's." I found the basis for it in A Discerning Heart by Wilkie Au & Noreen Cannon Au, then tweaked it a little bit based on what I've learned in school, and through personal experience.

Take a few minutes and write down all the things you "should" do in a list.

I once tried to do this over my whole day because I found it so helpful. I'm a work in progress too, because I haven't been able to follow through. It's okay! There's grace, and this is a process.

Go through the list and ask yourself "Who says I should?"

Alternative questions may include:

1. Will this bring joy to my life? Is it life-giving?

2. Am I doing this because I know the other person will make me feel guilty? Is it draining me to do this?

3. Is this a "have-to?" (Remember: If the answer to "who says I should?" is "the cat" go clean the litter box, or feed the cat, or whatever the case may be.)

4. Will I dwell/stew/ruminate on this later?

5. Will I dwell/stew/ruminate on this before I do it?

6. Will I sleep well knowing I made the decision to do this?

For the "should's" you respond positively to, you can stop here. Maybe you decide to cross them off, put a check beside them, or draw a happy face.

You may also decide to reflect on the positive reactions too. Awesome! Reflecting on positive's help us understand ourselves as well.

Ask yourself "Where do I feel this in my body?"

Here's a couple questions to get you started. It can be difficult to recognize this the first time you reflect on it!

1. Do you clench your jaw when you think about it?

2. Does your stomach feel like it's filled with rocks or butterflies?

3. Are your shoulders tense?

Ask yourself "If I touched this emotion, what does it feel like?"

Ok, we're getting a little "out there" for some, but stick with me.

1. Is it prickly? Like a cactus.

2. Staticky? Like an electric shock.

3. Soft? Like a big blanket.

4. Rigid? Like a brick wall.

You'd be surprised what you can learn about yourself (and others!) based on textures.

Examine your real motivation. What's the underlying reason?

Hint:

1. "Because I have to" is not a good motivation.

2. Likewise with "it's always been like this,"

3. or "it's expected of me."

Sometimes traditions need to change, and for good reason.

1. "Because I want to"

2. "I'm excited to"

3. or "I get to" are indicators that you have good motivations behind the "should."

I'm not saying the "should" is a good thing, just that the motivations behind it are.

Words matter. There's a big difference between get to, want to, and have to. Which one comes up the most? Where does it come up? Maybe some boundaries need to be set up for your self preservation.

For any "should's" with a negative reaction ask yourself "What do I want to do with this right now?"

You have a few options:

1. Shelf it for now - There are more important ones to address. (Remember to circle back to it!)

2. Take action. (Awesome!! I'm so proud of you!)

   1. What do you want to do?

   2. How do you want to do it?

   3. What would be the best possible outcome?

   4. How are you going to handle if things go sideways?

3. Keep on keepin' on.

   1. It's okay to not be ready yet. Recognition is the first step, and something to be proud of!

A Final Thought

If you're going through this list and realize that people have been taking advantage of you, it's okay to be angry. It's actually a natural process to setting boundaries, and it's one of the first things that you feel. You're not alone. There's grace in those moments of anger.

---

Helpful Resources:

• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

• Boundaries for Your Soul by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller

• The Discerning Heart by Wilkie Au and Noreen Cannon Au

I'm part of the Amazon Affiliate program. If you decide to purchase any of the resources I shared through Amazon it means I will get a little kick-back.