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Reflecting on what your body is trying to tell you.
We live in a culture that praises productivity. Where resting is seen as laziness, or reading a book is a novelty. (Ha! Pun unintended, but appreciated!) We're so busy doing, striving, and pleasing everyone else that we don't take the time to pay attention to our own needs. Last time I shared about spiritual bypassing, and while I didn't expect to link busyness to bypassing, there are certainly some similarities.
In his book The Gift of Being Yourself, psychologist and spiritual director David Benner shares "it is important for me to remember that I am a human being, not a human doing. My worth lies in who I am, not what I can do or how I am seen by others."
That's a powerful statement. "My worth lies in who I am." Can you say the same thing? I'll admit, it's something I've struggled with from time to time. So let's take a look at the difference between being and doing.
A quick Google search finds that being is defined as "existence, [or] the nature or essence of a person," whereas Merriam Webster defines doing as "the act of performing or executing."
I'll be honest, I didn't expect to pause and reflect on these two definitions so much when I set out to write this. Think about it though! One the one hand, you're just... there. You're existing. There are days where all I can do is exist, and that's not a bad thing! Yet our culture would like to tell us it is. We feel guilt, or shame, or condemnation when we sit down for a while.
Are you wondering if you fall into the "doing" part of life? Consider the example I'm about to share. It will be helpful to pay attention to is how your body responds to each scenario. What does that mean? Well, if you like something, you may feel butterflies in your stomach, or lightness in your arms. You may smile or chuckle to yourself. When you don't like something, it can feel like a weight in your shoulders, or a tightness in your chest. You may sigh deeply, or roll your eyes. Maybe your mouth forms a thin line, or you cross your arms. If you're tired, you may respond differently, how do you think that would feel? If you're burnt out, you may not say anything in the moment, but perhaps you're short with your loved ones, frustrated at having to take on yet another task. Did you know that your body will tell you how you feel before your brain does?
Okay, here goes... Imagine that your church asks you to lead a study.
Maybe this makes you happy. You'd love to lead a study! You have time in your schedule, and you're more than willing to help out. You love teaching and learning. This opportunity was made for you! How would it feel? Pay attention to your body. What do you notice?
What if you work full-time? What if your evenings are filled with taking your kids to their various activities? What if you're an introvert, and you just want to stay home after work? What if you lead another program at the church, help with coffee a couple times a month, help set up tables... and now you're being asked to do yet another thing? Can you feel the frustration? How, and where?
What if your home life is falling down around you, but no one seems to notice because they're just used to you saying "yes" to everything? Do you feel the resentment? Where?
Is the church picking the study? Is it one you're interested in, or would you help because they need someone? Where is it being held? At the church, on a night you'll already be there? Or at your home where you'll have to clean and prepare? Do you like having people in your home, or is that your safe haven away from the world?
Here's the kicker - Apart from the first example where the answer is an obvious yes, what happens when you say no? Does it change your standing in the church? Is the leadership frustrated with you? Do they show it? If you say yes, are you doing it to avoid feeling guilty? Maybe your body is telling you it can't take on something else, but your mind is worried you'll let someone down. I think we all have these moments. I know I do, and I had many more of them before I learned what boundaries were!
What did you notice about yourself as you worked your way through each response? Did you find anything helpful? Please allow me to share a personal example.
Last week I took part in a three-day online seminar, then I went to a conference where the hub was two-hours away but most presentations were online, and I prepared a spiritual exercise to share with the congregation the day after the conference. So, up and back to the conference in one day, then add a time change into that, and I was mighty wiped out by the end. Don't get me wrong, I said yes to all of those things, and I would again (well, maybe not the time change, but everything else). However, when Monday rolled around, I knew if I stuck to my schedule, and worked on my computer, I would do so begrudgingly. I wouldn't be sharing from a place of enjoyment. It would be a "have-to," not a "get-to." So, I took the day to read, instead of following my schedule.
Did I have a lot of ideas? Yes! I had tons of stuff I wanted to write down, follow-up on, brainstorm, and plan. But I also knew I needed to take a break from my computer. I'd just had too much screen time! I'll admit that the book I read wasn't just for fun, although I enjoyed it, but it got me away from a screen which was my real goal.
I'm well aware that I may be explaining a luxury for some. There are things that we simply have to do. If I don't work, I don't get paid. If I don't get paid, I don't eat. I understand that I'm speaking from a place that not many can enjoy because I create my own schedule. If that's the case, what can you do to support yourself when you're body is telling you to take a break?
I have some suggestions, but you know yourself better than anyone. Consider how you react to some of them. Do you roll your eyes? Or smile and nod? What would you add to this list?
Read a book.
Garden.
Take a bubble bath.
Go for a walk.
Write poetry.
Just sit in silence for a few minutes.
Step outside and take a couple deep breaths of fresh air.
Watch a movie.
Go to the beach.
Get a massage.
Paint.
Journal.
Woodwork.
Go out with friends.
Play a board game.
Ultimately, getting to know yourself is what is going to help the most. Maybe you love personality tests. I've learned a lot from the Meyer's-Briggs test, and the Enneagram. They aren't fool-proof, but they can be helpful tools. (Note here that I said tools not crutches.) Maybe you can come up with your own list of ideas for little things you can do for a quick time-out from the hustle and bustle of everyday.
How Spiritual Direction Can Help
Simply sharing with someone who has no stake in the game can be beneficial. They can help you discern what you're doing because you enjoy it, and what you can take off your plate. In some cases, a spiritual director can share some resources with you or send you some links with more information. They may also help you set up a retreat if you'd like to try something like that. The point is, they're there to support you.
Resources
Blog Posts/Articles
If you are very performance driven, or coming out of a legalistic faith/church, I would suggest holding off on learning about creating a Rule of Life for the moment. However, it may be something you come back to later.
Books
How We Relate by Jesse Eubanks
The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van der Kolk
**Content Warning: Please be aware that this book discusses topics such as sexual assault, child sexual abuse, details of war, and assault. Read with caution! I wasn't warned, and I wish I had been.
A friendly reminder that any links to books are part of the Amazon Affiliate program.
It doesn't make much difference for you, but if you purchase through these links I will receive a small commission.
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