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"Why can't I just forgive them!?"
Hot Take: The Church has taught forgiveness wrong. That's why you can't "just forgive them."
I was scrolling through Facebook, and found this article by Relevant magazine:
I'll admit, there is one particular myth that I don't agree with in this article, bonus points if you can guess which one it is.
Anyway, I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring and share my thoughts. You're welcome to disagree with me. I'm okay with that. Here goes...
Forgiveness is a process, and like all processes, it takes time. When I was taking a course in my master's program the instructor shared "The 4 'R's' of Healing Relationships."
Repentance - taking ownership.
Reconciliation - discussion of what happened.
Restoration - small conversations/opportunities to build trust. (not just pleasantries)
Reinstatement - things are looking up!
Here's where things go off the rails. Many (too many!) believe that forgiveness means things go back to normal. What did Einstein say the definition of insanity was? Something like - doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? At some point, something has to change. Either the behaviour of the other person, or your reaction to it.
Traditionally we've heard things like:
"Forgive as Christ forgave you."
"The Lord's Prayer tells us to forgive those who trespassed against us."
(Spoiler alert: it's actually debtors - people who owe us, not people who wronged us.)
"God removes our transgressions from his mind as far as the east is from the west."
"If you remember you have something against a brother you should go and be reconciled."
"We're called to forgive."
"70x7"
I don't know about you, but the last time I checked, I wasn't God. Therefore, I'm not perfect. I can't forgive like Christ and God, even if I'm called to it. I can't remove transgressions from my mind, and reconciliation doesn't mean a relationship goes back to the way it was. Furthermore, if one person requests forgiveness, why should the other person not request changed behaviour? We muddle up forgiveness as reconciliation and restoration, but largely miss the first step - repentance.
The Oxford Dictionary defines repentance as "the fact of showing that you are sorry for something wrong that you have done."
I am eternally grateful to Cloud and Townsend for their book Boundaries. If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. I said above that something had to change - either the other person or your reaction to them - this book will help with the changes you may need to make. But here's the thing about boundaries, and Cloud and Townsend were the first to illuminate this for me, too: when you begin setting boundaries you will experience anger. The reason is simple, you realize how much you've taken on that wasn't yours in the first place. Plus, there the additional fact that those around you have taken advantage of you up until this point, and they will try many ways to push past your boundary.
Here's another thing about boundaries that is really important: Boundaries are for you, not them. If you're trying to put a boundary on them, you're just manipulating them, and that's not right either.
A few examples may help:
I didn't tell someone not to text me, but I changed how quickly I responded.
I stopped explaining myself and simply said "Sorry, I can't," or "That won't work for me/us."
When I'm sharing an opinion and I get a lot of push back, I just change the topic.
I know someone that just won't answer the question - and I think it's amazing. They simply just don't engage. It's awesome!
If someone says something that I feel is offensive or upsetting, I turn away and begin a conversation with someone else.
Three Things to Re-Learn
1. Forgiveness is not instant.
I've heard, and said, before that forgiveness was a decision. Have I changed my mind? I'm not sure yet. I think I'll have to mull it over some more. Either way, it doesn't happen all at once, and it doesn't happen only once. You may be driving down the road, or drifting off to sleep when you think of what happened (again!) and you have decide what you want to do about it. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Are you ready to forgive?
Do you need more time to process?
Who can you talk to about it?
How long has this type of behaviour gone on for?
Is there a change?
Have you talked to the other person in a way that can bring about forgiveness?
Has there been a sincere apology?
What are some of the emotions you're feeling? Can you name them?
Where are you feeling those emotions in your body?
2. Reconciliation may or may not take place.
Like I said above, wrapped up in forgiveness is the belief, or maybe expectation is a better word for it, that the relationship will go "back to normal." But, can I ask this simple question... was "normal" a healthy situation for you to be in? You see, reconciliation may mean that you come to terms with yourself. Maybe you reconcile yourself to the fact that this relationship is indeed harmful. Maybe reconciliation means you spend time apart, or set some boundaries.
I hope that reconciliation may mean sitting down and having a long, hard discussion with all involved. Wait! Before you call a round table, remember this - you can't force this type of discussion. No matter how much you'd like to talk about it, if the other person isn't ready (emotionally or mentally) you can't demand this. It won't resolve anything for a few reasons:
They won't hear what you're saying. Not that they won't listen, but they can't grasp it, because they can't see a problem.
You're stepping over their boundary, and that's not okay either. Do you like being forced to do something? I thought not.
It will just devolve into a "who's more wrong" debate.
In this case, all you can do is wait. You may wait a long time. What are you going to do in the waiting? How are you going to wait? This is where reconciliation with yourself occurs. This is also where boundaries come into play... again.
Some food for thought:
The one who corrects a mocker
will bring abuse on himself; the one who rebukes the wicked will get hurt. Don't rebuke a mocker, or he will hate you; rebuke the wise, and he will love you.
Proverbs 7:7-9 (CSB)
If you want to confront someone, or have a conversation, have you thought about where the other person is at? Are they ready for a conversation like this? Where are you in this process? Are you still so hurt that it blinds you? Have you thrown up walls instead of boundaries? Do you need to seek outside help to process everything? All of this is part of the reconciliation process.
3. Restoration can be for you.
Restoration may mean walking away, which restores you back to a healthy place. It's never easy to see relationships end, but to stay in harmful cycles isn't going to help anyone either. They won't grow, and you'll become increasingly bitter. So let it go. It's okay to leave. Whether it's a church, a job, a relationship, or whatever. Removing yourself may be the healthiest thing you can do for you. Taking a different path may bring new opportunities you never would have experience if you stayed.
I realize I said a whole lot of stuff based on a ton of assumptions. I don't know your story, just like you don't know mine.
My goal here was to say that forgiveness has been taught incorrectly by the church and that has kept people in very damaging , and sometimes dangerous, situations. We aren't meant to carry the loads of other people. Can we help them with their burdens? Sure. Do we carry it for them? No. This isn't a case of "what's yours is mine." More like, what's yours is yours, and what's mine is mine. (Thanks Cloud & Townsend!)
How Spiritual Direction Can Help
In my private practice (because I don't want to speak for other directors in this case), I offer a safe, confidential space to share your story. I help you wrestle with Bible passages, and hopefully offer a different perspective. We'll bring Jesus into the conversation, and ponder with him. I have resources that you may find helpful too.
However, I realize my limitations and I have a list of great therapists that I can refer you to. This isn't because I think the problem is "too big" or "too hard" but simply because I work within the spiritual aspect of your life. A therapist can help the relational, and cognitive side. It can be scary, but I'll be the first one to tell you how much I love my therapist.
Further Reading:
Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Family Ties That Bind by Dr. Ronald W. Richardson
Boundaries for Your Soul by Dr. Alison Cook
Forgiving What You Can't Forget and Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst
Other Resources
Pathway Conciliation - Based in Toronto, Pathway is a professional third part that can help with conflict.
As always, the links for books above are part of the Amazon Affiliate program. If you decide to purchase them through the link I will make a small commission. However, I will not recommend something I don't approve of. If you have read/or experienced harmful teaching based on these books, please accept my apologies and let me know so I can take another look at them.
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